TL;DR: I used to be super happy and relaxed and care free. Now I’m so scared of failing and stressed out with school/not matching that I don't feel like the person I used to be. I have no idea why I’m feeling like this. I swear it is not who I am. Does it get better? Is this just a passing phase of the process? Also I don’t think I’m depressed, I just HATE MEDICAL SCHOOL so much that I can’t even believe it almost. All I want in life: Go to work, come home, relax, have time off especially mentally, chill, sleep, go to work again. Repeat.
I’m currently in medical school and wondering when life will get better.
I am a non-trad student and really having a hard time with life in medical school. I wake up and every single day it feels like I’m stressed out. I dread every single day from the moment I wake up until the moment I put the books down and go to sleep at night.
And I try to take breaks. In fact I probably take way too many breaks. But it’s not enough because mentally I’ll still always feel behind. Like I may fail boards or a class or whatever. And on top of that, all anybody in my class can talk about is boards and matching into their top competitive residency. Nobody talks about anything else. And I get that, we are all swamped up to our ears with board prep shit.
But when does it stop? When will I stop hating my life? Will it be in clinicals? Residency? When I’m an attending finally?
As a non-trad, I worked in retail for a solid 3 years full time and never dreaded walking into work like I do every single day of this shit. I loved my coworkers, we’d hang out after work. When my shift was over, that was it. I’d be done and could go have a good time. Life was normal.
Then after that I switched jobs and worked as a med tech. I fuckin loved that job even more. I loved everyone I worked with. My boss was cool. The doctors were dicks sometimes but that was rarely. But more importantly, when I was done with work, I WAS DONE WITH WORK. Sometimes I’d work a 5a-5p shift the entire week. But then I’d have 2-3 days off and could recoup and be back at it again on Monday with no problems. Also I was never scared of failing. There was no looming darkness over me like “what about step?! What about residency?! Will you match?! When you're off work, be sure to go home and DO MORE WORK!”
But with medical school it’s different. I never have a day off. I may take a day off and relax and not study, but it still doesn’t help me. I still don’t feel refreshed because mentally I’m still being drained. I’m fucking miserable over here and I just want to know when will I not be so fucking miserable. I legit wake up and hate every single day and I hate myself for hating this. I feel like I am not who I used to be. I legit was so happy before school.
I am not this type of person. I hate who I’ve become. I’m so fucking negative I feel like because I hate what medical school is turning me into. I never have been this type of person. I fucking loved life before medical school. I loved work. I loved my friends. I could MAKE friends. I had time to relax. I had time for hobbies. I had time for myself. I was legit so fucking happy and care free. I just took each day as it was, went to the gym, watched some tv, work, chill, etc.
Now I’m surrounded by people who are just as consumed with school as I am, but everyone else seems to be getting by pretty decent, while I’m fucking shit at coping with it. I feel like I am WAY too much of a type B personality and I just don’t fit in with medical school. Everyone around me seems like they embrace the competition and thrive off of it by the way they talk about school. They seem to love it. Well what is wrong with me then?! Why is some stressed out type A nerd having the time of his life while I’m normally the fuckin relaxed one and I’m legit hating every second of every day?
When does my life get better? I don’t mind working. Like I said, I loved my old work even though I was the bottom of the food chain and worked shit hours. I’m not a lazy person. But I need my own time. I need time off. When will things change? Will there be a day when I can come home, turn on the tv, watch a movie, drink a beer, and not be consumed with fucking dread about everything medical related?
Back to peers real quick, I am legit surrounded by people who seem to embrace the idea of "WORK HARD, STUDY HARD, NO TIME FOR PLAY!!" I tried having a conversation with a kid about video games and stuff when I take a break from board studying and he told me straight up "You probably shouldn't be playing any video games right now. You need to be studying for boards in your free time." He wasn't even trying to be a dick, but why am I surrounded by people like this? I am not a machine like all of these other kids. I feel like everyone else is very type A and thriving while I'm over here just trying to get by. Do I just not fit in with these types of people?
Whenever I talk to my classmates about how much I hate school, nobody else seems to feel the same way. I feel like I'm legit one of the only kids in my class who actually hates everything about it. Everyone else seems to just say "yeah, it sucks, but it's so awesome learning this stuff!" or whatever. So I feel ostracized in that sense too. Is everyone faking it, or am I legit just a rare case of someone who shouldn't be here and has gone too far? I mean I tell these kids that I'm hating medical school, I hate studying, I hate not having time to myself, and the de-facto response from them is "omg, if you dont like learning, you should NOT have been a doctor. This is what it's like all the time. I know because I shadowed Dr. whatever for years before… blah blah blah" like what?! No. I am legit getting snarky responses like I'm in some fuckin live SDN based horror-esque soap opera.
I feel like I should also point out that I don't suck at medical school either. I make mostly B's, am in bed by 11pm every night, try to gym 3 times a week, and manage to take breaks. But it just isn't enough for me. I legit hate medical school still and idk why.
Just to address depression real quick, I don’t feel depressed really. I would never hurt myself or anything like that. When I go on spring break or winter break or whatever and can go home, I am so fucking happy and excited, it’s unreal. All of my problems disappear and I feel like my old self. I see old friends, we shoot the shit, we talk about normal stuff, etc. But the moment I step foot back in a classroom and have to hit the books, I change again and don’t feel like myself. I am not myself and it’s medical school’s fault. Does it get better?
edit: holy shit this post is long, but damn was it cathartic.
Source: Original link